14 March 2018

Feeling homesick for a place that doesn't exist

Feeling homesick for a place that doesn't exist

The last few months there's been something a little off that I couldn't quite put my finger on, or fix. I eventually realised that it was homesickness, but not for somewhere I could visit, or even move back to, but instead for a place that no longer exists, or perhaps never did in the first place.

I don't really mention it very often on here, if at all, but a year and a half ago I moved to a brand new town where I knew no one apart from my partner. It's the town he grew up in, so whilst he has family and school friends surrounding him, I've struggled with feeling really isolated. 

But what I've struggled more with is the fact that there's no place I can go back to where I feel truly at home. A couple of years ago my parents separated, and I don't speak about it on here because it's not my life that I'm then banging on about, it's theirs, and they don't necessarily want it broadcast across the internet. However, even before the split, my home wasn't this paragon of homeliness, it was a mentally toxic place for me, and I rarely feel as though I miss that house that I lived in for the first 18 years of my life. I didn't even go back to see it one last time before it was sold.

Feeling homesick for a place that doesn't exist

Instead, I'm homesick for somewhere that doesn't exist, a multitude of somewheres all at once. I'm homesick for the smell of my mum's roast dinner wafting through the house on a Sunday. Homesick for my sister chasing me up the stairs whilst I squealed in terror. For my favourite takeout of all time in my uni town (Viallis in Leamington is dreamy just FYI). For a friend that lived a few doors down in that same town. For old jobs, and people I loved working with at them. For living in a town where I recognise a street name when someone mentions it. For the bunk beds me and my sister shared. For those trips to Maccies for a McFlurry with my dad. 

There's a lot of things I don't miss about all of these places. But I'm homesick for a place that feels like home, and I don't think I've truly found one yet.

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10 comments:

  1. I relate to this so much!! I've moved a million times so I feel like I don't have a place to call home and I wish I did! xx

    Angela | DreamsAndLashes.com

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to hear you feel the same, but kinda glad to know I'm not alone on this!

      Steph x

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  2. I can also relate, i feel like i'm homesick for lots of things other that just a home, like you i also live in a city where i know no one except my boyfriend, its a struggle i'm trying to get out more and go to classes to make friends.
    take care xx

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear you feel the same - I really hope getting out and involved in classes helps!

      Steph x

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  3. This is something I relate to as well! While I don't miss any one place I miss certain things and also, I think, being younger and childhood. I'm glad others feel this way too x

    EscapesAndEpiphanies | Travel Fashion Lifestyle

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    1. I'm glad I'm not alone on this one - I think we all miss our childhoods to some extent

      Steph x

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  4. Thank you for posting this. I completely understand how you're feeling. I really relate to a lot of the things mentioned in your post and I always feel like I'm homesick for a daydream. It's really nice to know I'm not the only one who sort of feels like this. :)

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    1. You're so welcome. Homesick for a daydream is exactly how I'd describe it!

      Steph x

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  5. Oh, love. Your comments about your favourite takeout of all time really resonate with me, I can't help but feel you can't properly call somewhere "home" until you've figured out what the best takeaways are!

    I'm sure you and your partner are building the most beautiful home together. I hope that, in time, it fills up with all the memories your childhood home had.

    Lis / last year's girl x

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    1. I need to figure out the best takeouts in my town asap. I can't wait to move again in April and make our next place a home - I feel like everything's in a bit of limbo at the moment.

      Steph x

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