15 August 2018

Turning the tables on my anxiety

Turning the tables on my anxiety - www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

For far too long, anxiety has absolutely had a hold of me. It's been the one calling the shots, and I've been the one forced to deal with the consequences. My anxiety is a part of who I am, but at the same time there are so many other things that make me 'me' that it's not okay to give everything else up for this. In the last month or two I've seen my anxiety sky-rocket again. I'm not sure what's causing it, but I'm determined to not let it shift the control in my life away from me again.

A few years ago everything caused me severe anxiety: leaving the house, talking to people, doing any kind of work, sometimes even just leaving my bed. It was shit, and my world got smaller and smaller as my anxiety grew.

Nowadays, I'm determined not to get into that state and mindset. My life is completely different, even if my anxiety triggers are the same, and I know I can work through this.

There are so many things that I've thought I'll do 'one day' when my anxiety isn't so bad. I recently read 'Must Try Harder' by Paula McGuire (which I would definitely recommend if you struggle with feeling anxious too) and it made me do a complete 180 in terms of how I thought about my anxiety. 

A big part of my anxiety is to do with the fact that you only have one life, and I want to do everything. In a cruel twist of fate, it's precisely my anxiety that stops me from embracing my life and improving it.

SO. Instead of waiting around for my anxiety to get calm enough to allow me to do things, I'm going to challenge it myself by doing all of the things I've always wanted to do, but thought they'd happen in some other world with a different version of me.

1.) Go on a trip abroad with my sister. Travel anxiety is something I feel whether I'm taking a bus or a plane, so I may as well go all out, eh? I rely on my boyfriend so much when we travel abroad, and I'd love to go somewhere just my sister and I, where I have to be the responsible one. 

2.) Start orienteering. I found out this was a 'thing' recently and it's something that I'm super keen to try. I might hate it, but you never know until you try.

3.) Join a gym again and go to a yoga class. I adore yoga, but yet I've never been to a proper class, instead choosing to have all my sessions at home. Whilst I love my homely set up, who knows if my downward dog is really a bendy triangle, or if I'm even doing child's pose right??? It'd also be a great chance to get to know new people in my town.

4.) Confront toxic people and tell them their behaviour is not acceptable. I'm a big coward when it comes to confrontation. Even hearing other people argue makes my heart race. I'm fine with confronting my sister or my boyfriend when they're being bellends, but when it comes to anyone else, my mouth closes up and I can't speak it out. So basically I'm going to stand up for myself, and not accept anyone's mistreatment of me.

5.) Go on a big ride at a theme park. Again, with being a chicken. Theme park rides terrify me, but I really want to go on just one massive roller coaster once in my life.

6.) Let people see the real me, not the 'Instagram' me, or the 'work' me, or the 'we're friends but I'm still scared you'll hate me' me. I need to unleash the girl that loves to do jigsaw puzzles and cries when she has to spend a night alone, the girl who likes girls as well as boys, the girl who loves to read YA fiction over any other genre, the girl who writes letters to her grandma and postcards to her sister, and loves nothing more than receiving ones back in the mail. This is the biggest thing I'm going to fight my anxiety on because I am sick and tired of hiding parts of me.

I know all of this is going to be hard, and will probably involve some pretty rubbish conversations with the people closest to me, but living a life controlled by anxiety is not something I want to do in the long term, so I'm choosing to fight it now.

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4 comments:

  1. Good for you! anxiety is so hard to deal with, but your stronger than anxiety!

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  2. Sounds like an awesome list of things to be achieved. Good luck in building yourself up to beating your anxiety.

    -pixieskiesblog.wordpress.com xo

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  3. This sounds like a brilliant list, Steph. I bet a trip with your sister (she's younger, if I remember right?) will be amazing too - those are the best kind of memories.

    It's going to be challenging, but it'll be so worth it. And I cannot wait to read all about it.

    Lis / last year's girl x

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  4. This post is very inspiring! I can 100% relate to feeling like anxiety is controlling your life. I'm currently trying to battle my depression and anxiety but it's not easy but I'm tired of feeling this way. Good luck! ♥

    www. mooeyandfriends.com

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